My New Year’s Resolution

My New Year’s Resolution

Every December, I begin to think about New Year’s Resolutions.  I usually find myself at a bit of a cross roads: I never stick to my resolutions, but I want to improve myself and new year’s resolutions seem like a good way to do so.  I tell myself this year will be different than last– this will be the year that I will stick with it. And, sometimes I do well. Last year, I pledged to live healthier and I stuck to it for a large majority of the year.  I aspire to get back to the mindset I had, as it was such a healthy and happy state of being.

Other years, my resolutions have sent me down paths of disaster.  My freshman fall at Georgetown, I struggled and it showed in my grades.  I had always worked hard and had my hard work pay off, but it seemed things would be different in college.  I would need to work harder. Ever the planner, I resolved to improve my life in all areas and I made a literal life plan for myself, with goals for each day, each week, each month, each semester, and each year for the next three and a half years planned out.  These goals included health, academics, extracurriculars, professional development, and social. This life plan did not work out too great, as life did not want to stick to my plan and soon, everything was out of place. I was devastated and after a few tearful meltdowns, I gave up the life plan.

This year, as I think about what my resolution should be or if I should even make any, I keep coming back to one thought.  My 2018 was incredible because nothing went as I planned. Everything was jumbled and out of place, but that mess included some of the happiest times in my life.  So many of those moments almost didn’t happen because they didn’t fit in with what I had imagined for the year and that would have been a true shame.

So, this year, I’m setting one resolution: I’m going to try to plan less.  This doesn’t mean I will abandon my perfectly color coated google calendars or stop scheduling out how I plan to study for classes.  But, it does mean I will get less bogged down in the details.  I will not let my perfect plans rule my life.  Rather, when opportunity knocks, I will greet it, instead of cowering away in the corner because I had not booked it into my calendar.  And if opportunity happens to offer to change my life, I will gladly shake his hand and throw away the schedules and calendars, happily pursuing the adventure life has given me.

Over my bed, I have a canvas that reads, “Anything can happen if you let it,” a favorite quote of mine from Mary Poppins.  Like usual, she’s quite right. She is practically perfect, after all.

 

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Even Santa Claus Gets the Blues

Even Santa Claus Gets the Blues

If you’ve read my posts lately, you know I think the holidays are a time filled with joy, cheer, and happiness.  But, the holidays can also be hard. Maybe, you lost someone you loved or maybe, life just doesn’t look the way you wanted it to.

It’s okay to be sad during the holidays.  It’s okay to struggle during the holidays.  Just because the season is beautiful doesn’t mean all your problems somehow instantly go away.

For me, the holidays always fall at the same time as finals and I have a difficult past of dealing with tests.  When I was in the second grade, I got hives every night before I would take a standardized test. This continued for the rest of my grade school and high school experience. My freshman year of college, I could not keep food down for two days before my statistics final– my nerves overwhelmed me.  This past midterm season, I worked myself so hard that I ended up crying of exhaustion on my couch at 3 AM one night. So, whenever finals season approaches in December, all the joy I have built up for the holiday season comes crashing down around me as I am filled with this test anxiety that has come to play a major role in my life.  

And, suddenly, I feel full of dread every day when I think about how Christmas is coming closer, but that also means my tests are coming closer.  Then, I beat myself up for that thought because how could I ever dread the beauty of the holiday season? How could I ever feel so many negative emotions during my favorite time of year?

It’s okay to struggle.

Giving myself the permission to struggle is so important in changing the way I view myself and my difficulties.  Just because it’s the holidays doesn’t mean my problems go away or I should ignore them: they are what make me human.  I have to confront them and deal through them, not hide them away and feel guilty for struggling.

Maybe, you’re a student having the problems as me this finals season or it’s your first Christmas without a loved one or your family situation has changed recently.  Whatever your situation, the message still is the same: you are allowed to struggle during the holidays. You are allowed to be sad, happy, angry, frustrated, and confused all at once.  You don’t need to hide what you’re going through or feel guilty for it. You have done nothing wrong.

This holiday season, let yourself be true.  Let yourself be real.