Oh, I Believe in Yesterday

Oh, I Believe in Yesterday

Sometimes, we just wish for the past.  There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with our present, but something in us longs for an era gone by.  That’s the nostalgia kicking in.

My week started off with a midterm on Monday and has been followed by a packed schedule of interning, tutoring students, and juggling my extracurriculars with my academics.  It’s one of those weeks where there’s nothing really bad happening, but it still feels overwhelming. To add to matters, I’ve been starting to feel stir-crazy at school, just wanting to get out of Washington, D.C. for a little while and breathe.  What is this all the perfect recipe for? A lot of nostalgia for my Disney College Program.

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Working at Storybook Circus with two of my favorite people, Abbey and Amanda

My time at Disney wasn’t perfect and yet, there is nothing more that I yearn for at this moment.  I’m craving the winter days spent at water parks, the days spent laying on the Hub grass with a view of Cinderella Castle, and the unexpected perfectness of random days spent eating all the food Epcot had to offer.  It’s been six months since my program ended and as I’ve finally gotten used to school again, my time in Disney feels like nothing more than a fantasy I created. It’s become my perfect dream.

As I think about my time at Disney and this craving I have right now to go back, I wonder: is it the place I wish for or is it the people?  I have not seen many of my friends for six months now, with no end date to this separation in sight. As I think of the days I am looking at nostalgically, I realize it’s the people who make the stories so beautiful.

It’s ranting with Kelsey over noodles and ice cream.  It’s car rides home, singing Taylor Swift, with Julie. It’s the long talks at 2 AM with Destiny.  It’s gossiping with Sadia. It’s the smiles (and groans) that were shared with Jordan as we passed each other during a work day.  It’s the photoshoots with Jenn. It’s the laughter in the kitchen with Beth Anne. It’s the adventures with Kelly. It’s the random late nights with my coworkers who became my best friends.

I could go on for years, listing the name of each person who made my time at Disney so special.  I realize now that it’s not the Magic Kingdom nor the rollercoasters, not even Mickey or Minnie that I’m so badly craving and am nostalgic for.  It’s my people.

When it comes to feeling nostalgic, I think it’s important not to push those feelings away.  You long for a time for a reason: find that real reason, not just the surface one. However, don’t dwell on your longing.  You cannot live in the past and if you do, you miss out on the present.

I am grateful for my college program and I am so grateful for the people it brought into my life.  However, I will not dwell on my longing to be back in a day gone by. Rather, I will think of my friends and know that as Mickey always says, I’ll see ya real soon.

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Home is Wherever I’m with You

Home is Wherever I’m with You

Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room?  There was just something in you that told you that you didn’t belong here but everyone else did.  If you’ve ever felt that way, you know that it is the most heartbreaking and isolating feeling. You just feel like you don’t belong anywhere.

 

This feeling of belonging is something we constantly are all searching for.  It’s a feeling of love and appreciation and acceptance. It’s feeling like in that moment in time, you are exactly where you need to be.  

 

Sometimes, having multiple friend groups from different parts of our lives can complicate this.  If I belong somewhere, can I still belong where I have been before? Can I belong with my high school friends if I truly belong at Georgetown?

 

Yes.  Each community may love and appreciate us in different ways, but this is so essential for us to be a whole person and to love ourselves.  You can be loved in different ways.

 

Where do I belong?

 

I belong at Georgetown.  The people here are so influential for shaping exactly who I am.  At the newspaper, they push me to grow professionally and to stand strong for what I believe in.  My sorority sisters are a huge aspect of my support system: they cheer and root for me. I belong with people who help and support me to grow.

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Women of The Hoya, Georgetown’s student newspaper.

I belong with my Disney community.  They saw me not for my plans and achievements, but for the love I was willing to give the world.  I belong with people who remind me to show love to the world and remain empathetic, even when I’m scared of being open.  

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Magic Kingdom, April 2018

I belong with my friends from high school debate. These friends have watched me grow from a young and confused teenager to a slightly less confused young adult and have stood by for every phase.  I belong with people who watch me grow and love me anyway.

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Yale Debate tournament, September 2015

I belong with my childhood best friends. They know me for my best and my worst.  They’ve seen my weird phases and even joined in.  I belong with people who don’t judge me, no matter what.

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My 13th birthday, July 2011.

There is not one way to love.  Different people in life will love us in different ways, but each time it is just as valuable and just as important.  That love is a sign that we belong.

 

If you’re reading this and are struggling with feeling like you don’t have a place in this world, please know that isn’t true.  You have so many people who love you and appreciate you and with you belong with. They may not all be located in the same place, but they love and care about you.

 

If you ever feel alone and need someone to talk to you, reach out to me.  

 

In Defense of Procrastination

In Defense of Procrastination

In our world today that values productivity so intensely, you could say there really isn’t room for procrastination.  Everything is about do more tasks in a shorter period of time. Use more lists, try new work methods– do whatever you have to do to get more accomplished.  

 

I commonly fall into the trap that is the quest for infinite productivity.  If I work hard and long enough, maybe, just maybe, I’ll stumble upon the holy grail of efficiency and I won’t need breaks any longer and I won’t struggle with getting tasks done with the hours I am given in a day.

 

Unfortunately, this quest will always be for naught and in the process, you’ll only hurt yourself.  Procrastination has been unnecessarily demonized and expanded to encompass everything that isn’t being explicitly done to further one’s own productivity.  

 

If you feel burnt out but know you have a series of tasks due in the next week, procrastinating your work by taking a break is not a bad thing.  Sometimes, you need to take a break and push the work off for later: it’s the only way you remain sane.

 

This Saturday, I felt overly exhausted after a week of having been sick and pushing through to get all my work done.  I just felt drained. So I didn’t start a paper, but rather I watched This is Us and The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.  I chose not to beat myself up for taking this day off: I needed a day to relax and recharge.  I knew that if I continued to push myself, I would not perform well and my productivity would plummet.

 

Further, we lose our way when we don’t occasionally push something off.

 

A friend recently asked me if I’m doing what I love right now.  Am I giving myself to what I’m passionate about or am I just on the hamster wheel of life?  When we don’t take breaks and give ourselves room to breathe, we lose sight of what we love.  We always are thinking of the next task and looking forward that we miss the opportunity to experience the present moments.

Procrastination does not have to be a demon in one’s life that stops you from doing what’s important.  Rather, it’s a tool to accomplishing tasks while taking care of yourself.

 

You are not a robot.  You are not an energizer bunny.  You are a person who deserves your own time.  You are not behind. You are right on-time. You are doing just fine, even when you take a few hours off.

 

Lessons from Writer’s Block

Lessons from Writer’s Block

I’ve started four different blog posts tonight, but none of them are finished.  Tonight, I am struggling to find the words to say as ideas swim around in my head.  I’m suffering from writer’s block.

Throughout my life, I’ve periodically suffered from writer’s block.  As a kid, writing was my greatest escape and then… I would lose my words.  Suddenly, writing would not be a refuge, but a nightmare. In college, I’ve rarely taken time to write creatively, but when I’ve tried to journal, I have found myself unable to say anything.

I usually lose my words when I get stressed out.  This is the time when I am craving the escape and joy that comes along with writing, but I can’t seem to reach the words to communicate the ideas I have in my head.  They all sit on the tip of my tongue, but as I try to put them to paper, they all disappear.

I usually beat myself up when I get writer’s block.  How can I be incapable of doing something I love so much? Why do I struggle so much in these times of stress with the one activity that should come naturally to me?  How can I be so stupid to call myself a writer but have no words?  How can I be so stupid, in general?

We’ve all been there.  We bully ourselves because we didn’t meet an expectation we set for ourselves.  We define ourselves by our ability to do one task and one task alone.  And in these moments, we see ourselves as failures.

We are so much more than that though.  I am not just a blog, but a person with struggles and experiences.  My intelligence is far more than just the blog posts I publish and yet, I allow my inability to write to completely discount myself.

I want to change the way I talk to myself and view myself.  This isn’t an easy task, but it’s essential on my self-care journey. Today, I’m telling myself that it’s okay to struggle.  It’s okay that I missed a day of posting on the blog.  It’s okay that I can’t find the words to describe all that I’m feeling right now.

I am allowed to struggle and it doesn’t mean I’m stupid or unworthy of love or respect.  

It means I’m human and that’s okay.

What Do You Say to Taking Chances?

What Do You Say to Taking Chances?

I’ll admit, I like to play things safe.  I like to know the outcome before I throw the dice.  I don’t leap without looking. Everything in my life is perfectly planned out well in advance and I’m prepared for every situation.

Life doesn’t always stick to our plans though– it has its own ideas of what we should be doing.  

Sometimes, we have to be willing to throw the plans away and let life lead the way.

That’s what I learned one year ago, when on a whim, I applied for the Disney College Program.  I’ve often been asked why I applied– the answer is I don’t know. The summer before I applied, I told my parents I could never apply because it didn’t fit in my perfect plan I had for my college years and yet, when I sat down at my laptop last October and applied, that perfect plan didn’t seem to matter for a moment.

I never thought that I would get into the Disney College Program and then, I did.  I had three days to decide whether or not to continue on my planned road or to get off the beaten track.  Being someone who does not like risk, I can say that I shocked everyone, including me, when I made the decision to take a semester off of Georgetown to move to Orlando to intern with Disney.

I will always be grateful that I took that huge leap of faith.  Disney pushed me to be uncomfortable and try something completely new.  I had never worked a job like I did at Disney, I had never been so far away from my family, and I had never been in a city before where I knew absolutely no one.  This discomfort pushed me to grow as a person and I walked out in May with such a sense of clarity on who I was, what I wanted in my future, and what was important to me.

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It takes people to make the dream a reality -Walt Disney

None of that growth would have happened if I hadn’t taken the original risk of applying to this program and then choosing to pursue it.  I gained so many great experiences and an amazing support system while in Disney, and it is almost insane to think now that none of that would have happened if I had done what I usually do and stuck to the plan.  It had been a dream of mine forever, but I assumed it could only be just that: a dream.

 

Life’s best experiences happen when we don’t expect them and aren’t ready.  They require us to put down the to-do lists and life plans (yes, I actually had a document entitled life plan on my computer that mapped out the next five years of my life).  They ask that we have faith that everything will work out just fine. They only happen if we stop trying to plan the future and accept the unknown.

 

All we need for them to happen is a little bit of faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust.

 

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Who would have thought where my path would lead would be Walt Disney World?